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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27011959">Put a Price on Emotion</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malec_Lover23/pseuds/Malec_Lover23'>Malec_Lover23</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alec Lightwood &amp; Jace Wayland Friendship, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Feels, Alec Lightwood Feels Guilty, Alec Lightwood Has Feelings, Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Alec Lightwood-centric, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood and Injury, Broken Bones, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Heavy Angst, Hopeful Ending, Hurt Alec Lightwood, M/M, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, Minor Character Death, Minor Violence, Sad Magnus Bane, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Alec Lightwood, Suicidal Thoughts, Supportive Magnus Bane, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 02:02:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,973</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27011959</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malec_Lover23/pseuds/Malec_Lover23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Warning: this has a hopeful ending, not necessarily a happy ending. The real reason Alec doesn't contemplate suicide more is because of Magnus, not because he doesn't wish to harm himself, and he never truly deals with the guilt that's plaguing him. </p><p>*self harm, depression, thoughts of suicide, mentions of broken and bloody bones, very minor character death* please stay safe and don’t read if any of these may be a trigger for you &lt;3</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alec Lightwood &amp; Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>101</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Fluff vs. Angst Battle 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Put a Price on Emotion</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Definitely one of the saddest and most graphic things I’ve written. </p><p>Kudos comments and subscriptions make me happy so leave them if you’re willing :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Alec hands tremble uncontrollably as two medics place the white sheet over the girl. </p><p>She's so small, barely older than Max who's just turned thirteen, far too young to be set against a dozen Shax demons. She doesn't even take up half of the table they placed her on after she bled out in the sewers. </p><p>Alec hears Luke and Jace gently talking to the family. Alec knows the parents are expecting him to say something, apologize that he was the one who made the patrol schedule that killed their baby girl, offer them his condolences. </p><p>But Alec can't breathe, let alone speak. </p><p>The mother is sobbing, unable to even respond to Jace who is apologizing with a kind of sympathy that makes Alec's heart feel carved out with a seraph blade. The father has his arm wrapped around the mother's waist, nodding his head sadly at Jace. </p><p>As Shadowhunters, they've grown up to believe that death is just a part of life. When Shadowhunters become parents, it's like placing a silent death date on their baby's forehead. The date could range from when the child is a toddler, or, if they're lucky, the child may outlive the parents. </p><p>Alec has been taught this several times. The voices of his mom and dad explaining it to him, that he should never count on luck, that he should always be prepared for an inevitable ending. He remembers hearing his parents talk about Izzy or Jace just not coming home one day, and acting like it was normal. </p><p>Alec never let himself become so deprived of sensation. Even if he was in pain, he would embrace it before he allowed himself to feel absolutely nothing. </p><p>Alec turns away from the young girl who can no longer feel happiness, joy, pain, sorrow. Who is now as numb as his parents who told him death should be welcomed. </p><p>All because of Alec, all because of their fearless leader who makes the decision to kill new Shadowhunters with every patrol time he posts on the walls of the Institute. </p><p>He doesn't deserve to feel happiness and joy anymore. He yearns to soak up pain like a dry sponge, and then maybe he can handle the death he just inflicted. </p><p>Alec approaches the four of them, refusing to let his tears fall. </p><p>"I'm so sorry for your loss. If there's anything we can do for you and your family, please let us know." Each word that passes through Alec's lips feel like acid running down his throat. </p><p>"A medic will keep her in the infirmary until we can hold the funeral. We will alert the Institute of that date and time as soon as we plan one. Feel free to stay as long as you need." Jace says, nodding at the distraught parents and then gripping Alec's arm, pulling him out of the room. </p><p>"I know what you're thinking right now and I need you to stop." Jace tells him, digging his fingers into the sleeve of Alec's sweater. </p><p>Alec bites back, "You have no idea what I'm thinking right now and you definitely can't tell me when to stop!"</p><p>"Alec, we're just trying to help you, man. I understand that this job isn't easy, but injuries and deaths are part of it. If you beat yourself up over everything that goes wrong, then you wouldn't be the successful leader we all know and love." </p><p>Alec knows Jace us trying to help, trying to talk him down, but it's no use. Jace could scream at him and tell him it is indeed his fault and it would somehow make Alec feel better. </p><p>Because then it wouldn't just be his own thoughts tearing his heart apart. His guilt would be praised by the support of others.</p><p>"Alec?" Jace grips his shoulder. "Come on, parabatai, are you listening? This isn't you." </p><p>"You're wrong Jace, you're wrong about everything." Jace looks bewildered by Alec's sudden outburst, but realization dawns on his face as Alec says, "This is exactly who I am. A leader with no remorse for the lives of others, a leader who would sacrifice everyone over himself." </p><p>Alec turns away, stalking down the frigid halls of what was his home for so long. </p><p>Alec finds himself in the training room before he can think twice about going anywhere else. Of course Alec knows where he should go before things get too bad. He should talk to Izzy, or take a walk, or hell, go home to the one person who won't treat him like he's delicate just because it's the right thing to do, but because he genuinely cares about him. </p><p>Alec doesn't deserve genuine care. He doesn't deserve to hear Izzy speak softly to him, doesn't deserve to bury his head in the crook of Magnus' neck and inhale the sandalwood scent that brings his heart rate down considerably at any given moment.  </p><p>Hot tears run down Alec's cheeks as he approaches the punching bag taunting him. His legs carry him right in front of the punching bag and his mind is chanting at him to endure the agony of broken knuckles and bloody fingers. His heart yearns for words full of kindness and touches full of security. </p><p>His body is being torn apart by his own mind, and he can't handle it. </p><p>"Just stop!" He screams, gritting his teeth as he sinks to his knees. "Fucking stop!" He places his hands on his head, begging his thoughts to stop swirling around like a hive of bees meant to destroy. </p><p>Then he thinks of the girl, and his mind quiets. Alec pushes himself to his feet and begins to pound at the punching bag. </p><p>Closed green eyes full of wonder. A permanently muted mouth. A heart lying motionless beneath organs that no longer have the job of keeping a little girl alive. </p><p>All because of Alec. </p><p>He clenches his knuckles together, grimacing at the pain that flies through his body. Alec thrives on the ache, it's like Nephilim blood to a vampire, it's too damn good to pass up. </p><p>Pain equals adrenaline, and adrenaline equals energy he hasn't possessed in far too long. Sweat rolls down his temples as he batters the punching bag.</p><p>When the first of his knuckles crack he cries in pain, but his mind is chanting him on, calling his broken knuckles prosperous. </p><p>"Alexander." Alec aims for the center of the punching bag, but hearing that one word causes his next hit to be off kilter. He slides his hand down the punching bag, resting his forehand against the top of it. </p><p>"I'm guessing Jace called?" </p><p>"No, my darling. It's way past dinner time and I wanted to see if you got caught up in your office." Alec jerks his head up at that, and just now notices how dark the stained glass window has become. When he walked in, the light was still vibrant, casting golden hues all over the room. </p><p>He glances at his hand and winces at the purple and bloody welts appearing on all ten of his fingers. However, a part of him relishes in the physical image of his pain. </p><p>"What happened, Alexander?" Magnus is beside him now, bringing a hand up to sift through damp hair. Alec leans into the touch, his eyes fluttering shut at the comfort.  </p><p>"I killed someone today." Alec replies, swallowing down a sob. Magnus' hand pauses from where it was stroking through his hair. </p><p>"Now, I know that's not true. How about you start over?"</p><p>"No, I did. I sent a young girl, Max's age out to take care of Shax demons for her field experience.” Alec is winded as he sags against the punching bag. </p><p>"Did you send her out there alone?" </p><p>Alec shakes his head, he would never send any of his people outside of the Institute without someone accompanying them. "Of course not. The other Shadowhunters had to retreat but she was far too deep in the sewer."</p><p>"Then how did you kill her, my love?" </p><p>"Because I made the call. I posted the list of names. I sent her on a mission she was far too young for." </p><p>"Perhaps she was too young, but you wouldn't have sent her if she didn't have proper training or proper backup. It was an accident, Alexander. Demons are unpredictable creatures, even to a fairly experienced Shadowhunter.” </p><p>Alec shakes his head, Magnus' soothing words not sinking in. He's a liar, Magnus should be disgusted with the man he married. </p><p>"Still my fault." He murmurs. He flattens his palms against the punching bag, smearing the blood already coating it, and Magnus inhales quickly. </p><p>"It's not your fault. It is not your fault, Alexander." Magnus grips both of his shoulders and forces Alec to meet his eyes. "Your job description isn't to harm those who work for you, it's to protect the greater good out there from demons. And sometimes, awful things happen, but that doesn't mean you should be the blame when they occur. Do you understand?" </p><p>"It should've been me." Magnus gasps and shakes his head resolutely. His eyes turn glassy and Alec doesn't even have the energy to feel guilty about making his husband tear up. </p><p>"No, my darling, it shouldn't have been. It could have been anyone out there today, but it, unfortunately, was a little girl. If it was you, would you want the girl or her parents to break their knuckles in a training room because they are too blinded by guilt to perceive anything else?" </p><p>"No, but that’s different. It wouldn't have been their fault if I died, but this is all my fault! Magnus, I did this! It should've been me, I'm the one who deserves to bleed out in a fucking sewer! I'm the one who kills people everyday just because I want to stay safe and sit behind a desk! How can you not see that?" </p><p>Alec is hyperventilating, sucking in oxygen that feels unsatisfying. Magnus sees Alec spiraling and he digs his fingers into Alec’s shoulders, giving him the pressure to climb out of the hole he’s digging for himself. </p><p>"Because I see you, and I know that isn't the man I married. It wasn't your fault, and let me tell you why. Alexander, I know you, I know your heart, and I know you would never wish death on someone over yourself. You Nephilim have such a drive to be self sacrificing, so much that it would terrify me if I didn't have the same compulsion. You've saved your siblings and your people countless times, and I know if it came between the two of you, you would choose them over yourself every time. I've seen it myself. Wouldn't you do the same if it were the two of us?" </p><p>Alec nods his head quickly, saying, "Of course, I love you."</p><p>A tears falls down Magnus' cheek as he whispers, "I love you too. And that's how I know you didn't intentionally kill someone today. Your heart is far too compassionate. You said yourself that you would take the girls place if you could. How is that not anything other than heroic and honorable?"</p><p>"I should have taken her place during the patrol. If I knew..." Alec feels the telltale stinging behind his eyes and takes a deep breath, "If I knew she wouldn't...wouldn't make it... I would have gone..." </p><p>"I've told you before, Alexander, no one can predict the future." Magnus cups Alec's cheeks, brushing away his tears and pressing their foreheads together. </p><p>"The reason you have angelic blood running through your veins is not to harm people, it's to help people. The same reason why your people also have angelic blood. And when your entire legacy is protecting people, then terrible accidents happen. But that is what this is, an accident."</p><p>Alec sobs, burrowing himself in Magnus’ waiting arms. He’s shaking as he wraps his arms around Magnus’ waist, his entire weight sinking into the warlock because he knows Magnus will hold onto him. </p><p>"Let me take you home. You don't need to be here, right now." Magnus soothes, running gentle fingers through his hair, pressing kisses along his sweaty temple. </p><p>"No, I deserve to hurt-"</p><p>"No, Alexander, you deserve comfort. You deserve love. Just because you're hurting inside doesn't mean you should hurt yourself outside." Magnus murmurs gently, his own hand clasping around Alec's bloody one. </p><p>"I understand that the pain you're going through is approximate to that of the outcome of an event. You shouldn't be inflicting more of that onto yourself. You're already hurting here," Magnus says softly, pressing a ringed hand against Alec's battered heart, "So why would it make sense to hurt yourself here?" Magnus laces their fingers together. </p><p>Strands of blue magic swirl in between their joined hands, and normally the feeling of being healed by his husband comes with safety, warmth, peace. However, tonight, it makes him want to rip his hand away and tear it apart again. </p><p>For the first time since they've met, Magnus' soothing words feel like nails scraping against a chalkboard. Alec doesn't feel whole again, he doesn't feel healed again, he doesn't even feel better. </p><p>Magnus gently ushers him through a portal, where the scent of sandalwood and the background of Brooklyn greet him. </p><p>For the first time since he's come to the loft, it doesn't feel like home anymore. It feels like a restraint, like a comforting place that doesn't hold the same meaning anymore. He's safe here, but he shouldn't be. The little girl that wasn't safe in those sewers, so why should he be safe here at his home?</p><p>Alec digs his thumb into the sensitive pad of his fingers. He’s itching to hurt again, but more than that, he’s itching to become numb and feel nothing at all. Back when he was a teenager, he vowed he would never allow that to happen, but back then, he wasn’t a murderer. </p><p>Magnus turns to look at him, and then his feet are moving toward the bedroom. </p><p>His body is gently being pushed into silk sheets, warm lips caressing his forehead with a tenderness that he could never deserve. </p><p>Then he looks at Magnus, really looks at his husband who is always full of joy, whose eyes soften for those he loves, whose power is otherworldly in every sense of the world, who loves Alec more than anyone else on the planet.</p><p>How does his tell Magnus, the love of his life, that he wants to throw himself off the Brooklyn Bridge? That he yearns to take a blade to his skin until there's more blood outside of his body than inside? How does he tell the man that takes care of him like he's the sun itself that he wants to disappear and never come home? How does he explain that to him after Magnus just poured his heart out to him in the training room?</p><p>Maybe if he does, then the pain of losing that little girl may be more justified to the parents who have nothing left to live for anymore. </p><p>"Alexander? Your thoughts are very loud. Talk to me?" A warm hand cups his cheek, brushing away the moisture that's still falling down his face. </p><p>Alec could throw up as he manages a smile. He's put a facade on for twenty-five years, this one time shouldn't make him feel this sickly. Then he realizes it's Magnus who's looking at him, it's Magnus he's hiding from. </p><p>Magnus always knows; however, Alec can't help the lies that spill from his mouth like regular conversation.</p><p>"I'm fine, just tired. Can we go to bed?"</p><p>Magnus' face softens and he raises the golden duvet, tucking it around Alec's neck and then kissing his forehead. </p><p>Magnus disappears into the bathroom, entering their bedroom again just a few minutes later with a bare face and just wearing a pair of sweats. He slides under the covers, immediately plastering himself to Alec's side.</p><p>Alec leans over and shakily kisses Magnus' cheek. "Thank you for taking care of me. I love you."</p><p>"I love you too, Angel. More than you could ever possibly know." Magnus runs a hand through Alec's hair, his voice breaking several times as he utters, "Stay with me, okay? Please, stay." </p><p>Alec's stomach drops and he nods, attempting to swallow the lump in his throat. Magnus always knows. And here he is, causing someone else pain. The dark waves of the water beneath the Brooklyn bridge call out to him, his blade buried deep in his nightstand back at the Institute calls out to him. </p><p>"I'm right here, Magnus." Alec breathes, nuzzling his neck. He's never felt more far away. </p><p>He practically hears Magnus protesting Alec's words. Magnus knows he's not, that this isn't the loving Alexander he married. Magnus knows he's slipping, Magnus knows he's losing his grip on his husband's hands, and the profound abyss is right below him. However, if Alec knows one thing about Magnus, it's that he fights like hell for those he cares about. </p><p>If Magnus fights for him while Alec doesn't have the strength to rise, then Alec will wait, he will endure, he will stay. </p><p>"I'll hang on for you Magnus. I'll stay with you." Something like a sob escapes Magnus' mouth, and he presses his cheek against Alec's hair, holding on to him tightly. Alec's churning mind settles, and he senses a faint glimmer of hope beginning to patch up the emotional wounds that have been reopened after such a long time staying closed. </p><p>Alec will stay alive, he'll fight like hell against the enemy sucking up his happiness and dampening his passion to love and be loved. </p><p>He will always have one reason to stay grounded, and his one reason is protectively curled around him in bed.</p>
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